Our apartment is Ant City. Actually no, it’s Ant Country, and it’s on a continent with those other ants who have taken over the garbage cans in our backyard. Last year I decided I would get the ants early this year and spray long before they come out. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling pity for their little faces, crying for help just before I kill them with my index finger. Instead we never cleaned our apartment and couldn’t spray with all the valuable belongings we left all over the floor. So spring came, and so did some ants. I would spray them and they’d disappear for a week. Then the cycle would repeat itself. With each spray down, I noticed the ants reacting differently to the poison. Usually they just die right there, spread their legs out and die looking like little black snowflakes. But now they walk it off!! And then attempt to return to their home, who knows where, it seems like they have 500 entrance ways into our apartment! All I can do is use !!! with all my sentences because it’s driving me mad! You know, yesterday I woke up and found a huge trail of ants, marching from our bedroom door to the sink full of dirty dishes. We’re out of spray so I bunched up some napkins, poured bleach on ‘em and smushed all the ants down with a snowplow-like motion. Killing ants and cleaning up the mess is not what I want to do when I first wake up, but this is how I must live my life.

Honestly, the ants, they’re pains in the asses when they’re crawling on me and when they’re in huge groups, grossing me out, but one or two aren’t so bad. I wouldn’t bother crushing their exoskeleton if I only saw them every so often. But instead the Raid knockoff spray we bought works as steroids for those ants, making them stronger, faster, and multiply more efficiently than ever. Mark pointed out that his hands smell like Raid after he kills an ant, and it’s true! The ants smell like nail polish! They’re living with the poison, those crazy bastards! And they’re probably poisoning Mister by walking through his dog food. Dammit ants, why did you have to take it this far? And that is why Mark and I bought the ultimate ant killer, the kind where you have to leave the house for a week after spraying it (not that the box says to or anything, I just don’t want to take any chances). We’re spraying tonight. Goodbye ants, say your prayers. Seriously.

Question: Todd, are you living in Ant Country? You must be! Or maybe you sprayed and that’s why we have so many ants now! Damn you. JK Todd I know you don’t read this. But if you do, you can use the herbs we’re growing on the porch, four types of basil, rosemary, cilantro, thyme, tarragon, sage, mint and lavender. Okay, I admit it, those last two aren’t actually growing yet, might have bought some dud seeds.

Anyway, Mark and I have been working hard for the past few weeks, getting together a proposal for sponsors to fund us on a great big road trip! The road trip will have an accompanying blog with the most stuff you’ve ever seen! So while you’re like “oh man, Stopkatie never updates, I hate her” I’m really like “hey guys, look we’re putting together a website with a daily blog and photos and postcards and film and it’s all updated while we’re on the road experiencing it I’M SO EXCITED!” So far we’ve had a decent amount of feedback and interest, so that’s cool. And oh man! My bosses are insane and great because they’re helping me cross off one of the items on our wishlist, an iPHONE WOWOWOW! That’s just great, JUST GREAT! Of course I’ll be waiting until he new iPhone comes out in July, and I’m sure they want me to wait too in order to save them $200.

We worked on it for months. You can read the proposal at www.Wanderful.us. Todd, if we hear you jumping up and down, whooping it up and singing happy songs, we’ll know you read this blog. We know you want us out, just admit it Todd, WE KNOW! Just kidding folks, we don’t really think our neighbor hates us. Well, Mark thinks he does, and I’m oblivious, so he probably does.

A reader had a good question in a comment, last post: “holy crap, you have three dogs now?”
No, I have one dog now and that is Mister. You see, Biscuit was only here for a short time, most of Steven’s first semester, and just a few weeks of his second semester. Towards the end he just stopped living at his dorm and Biscuit went back to live with him. Domingo, Mark’s parent’s dachshund who was mentioned in my last post, was just with us for a week while his parents were in Florida. Domingo was sooo handsome and had white teeth — not like Biscuit’s stinky acid breath. Now there is another dachshund in my life, and her name is Doodle:

Aw, yes there she is, isn’t she adorable? She isn’t mine, Steven and Kaity picked her up almost two weeks ago. Oh, if you’re into that bandanna, I made it and you can purchase a personalized version for your dog by clicking HERE!!! Another one with her excited father:

The first week she was around, I didn’t really get to see her or play with her, but this past weekend we had plenty of time to get to know the Doodle because we puppysat her. Not that she is intentionally doing it, but she bites like crazy, I don’t think many puppies understand NO in their first week, but they sure do understand tone. Doodle doesn’t give two shits about tone, you’re yelling at her? Good, she’ll bite your finger harder. We let her roam around the porch with us while we ate breakfast on Monday morning. Everything she could do wrong, she would. No Doodle! No don’t eat that ant! No Doodle! Stay away from Mark’s coffee! No Doodle! Stop chewing the chair! Of course I know she’s not doing this on purpose, she is a puppy, but it’s as though she thinks “what can be worse than the last thing I did” and she does it! So she’s earned herself a new nickname: “Evil”. Steven came up with a theme song he plays for her on his guitar… the Jaws Theme. EVIL! And although she was a little devil all weekend, I couldn’t help but forgive that little muffin when I saw her cuteness sleeping (’her cuteness’ is like ‘her highness’ - if you see me use the word ‘cuters’, it’s a noun that works singular or plural). When she bites, she looks like a dinosaur, so I’ve been calling her Raptor Face. She also has piranha teeth. Since she is too wiggly to take photos of, so I don’t have many good ones. I do like this one below, it looks nothing like her:

Kate’s family owns a house in Cape Cod. Earlier this year I invited myself up there and set the date for late-May. Well, the end of May passed and that means so did my Cape Cod trip. Here’s how that went:
We arrived in (on?) the Cod (that’s the new ‘the Cape’) around 2am on a Saturday morning. Kate already told us all the furniture was ruined when the ceiling fell in, soaking wet. The plumbers didn’t winterize the house correctly, those jerks. All the blankets were safe inside some Tupperware bins in the attic - only we found out the workers who fixed the ceiling didn’t feel like finishing the installation of the ladder to the attic. Luckily Mark is a tall, skinny man who was able to float up those steps and search the attic for blankets. I think after that we went to sleep.

The next morning we walked down to the beach, but really it’s a bay.

Mister braved the 5 hour ride up to the Cod - here he is reaping the beachy benefits. He enjoys the beach, but prefers to stay at least 10 feet from the water. He learned what the word “bath” means a few weeks ago and is more anti-water now than he ever was before.

They’re talking to an ex-nun named Marylou. She has a great Boston accent, and pronounced Mark’s name “Mahk” - which is my favorite word when said with that accent.

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I have something half written, but there were 67 photos to write about! And I probably have another 200 just from last weekend. You’ll be in Stopkatie update heaven very soon.

Ew, gross, kissing!

I was driving with Mark today when I mentioned that I really needed to update this site. “Yes, you do, I miss stopkatie”, he said. “But I don’t know what to write about, I haven’t done anything in the past two weeks” So he told me to write about the sponsorship we are trying to get. I think we have an awesome idea that either too many people have tried to do before, or too many people have tried to do before and we’ll be the first to actually do it. We have a plan all written out and proposals to be sent on Monday - only we’re probably too late, we probably should have done this in November. Ah, well - We’ll see how it goes. Good luck Mark & Katie (and Mister, he’s a part of the proposal).

A month and a half ago our pal Kate drove down to Keyport to hang out with us. I had big plans for this visit, only it rained and made the plans wet (these were outdoor plans). Rainy days have been pooping on my head for too long now dammit and I want it to stop! For the past three weeks, weather.com has been predicting rain for 10 days straight. So that’s 30 days of rain - maybe a sunny day or two here or there. May, you have really messed this one up. You’re out of my life. Until next May. And also for 15 more days. Today wasn’t bad, but tomorrow it’s supposed to rain. I read a blog today and someone complained that it was 83º & Sunny in California when they woke up (ungrateful).

Well, Kate’s visit wasn’t bad at all. I was just going to leave a link to the photos, but I’ll write about them because why not. I don’t have to work tomorrow morning. Although, the batteries in my mouse died so I’m using the stupid touch pad and that’s a real pain in the ass to copy and paste all the photos over to this - we’re out of batteries.:

The Keyport Fishery Fish. I never ate anything from here in my life, and I never will. The fishery caught fire last summer (maybe two summers ago), they rebuilt it to look exactly the same. I’m glad they did that. The brick apartment building in the background, that’s where Popples lives (”The Old Lady Buidling). This year when we take the inflatable boats out, we’re going to go in that swamp (that’s a marsh between the fishery and the apartments). Then we’ll call Popples and wave to her while she looks out her window. I can’t wait.

There’s more if you click the link below.
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…but it’s also scary. I understand why all the old people (old people as in people over 40, who call themselves old all the time - I don’t think they’re old, they think they’re old) are afraid of the internet. They just can’t understand why someone my age would put my personal life on the internet. Well, I don’t understand how people who are 8 years younger than myself, can put up pictures of themselves in their bras, on their facebooks. I’m guessing 8 years younger, because that would make them 15 and that is the prime slutty age for some girls. Anyway, the internet, scary - I have been noticing ads on websites of websites I just visited. The other day there were MLB La Dodger’s shirt ads on my Yahoo, I had just purchased an La Dodgers shirt with Mattingly 23 on the back for my dad’s birthday. He loves Don Mattingly - Don Mattingly is the Loudon Wainwright III of baseball to my dad. And other websites I just visited advertising on facebook. Maybe it’s a coincidence, or maybe the internet is watching you. They know everything about you and where you live. So do I, so watch out readers, I’m coming for you.

I ran 4 miles today! That’s awesome because it’s officially the farthest I’ve ever run - I think. Maybe I ran that once or twice in high school. I’ll tell you, all four years (well three years, since Liz ran my foot over Senior year) of running cross-country, I don’t think I ever ran more than 3.5 miles. That’s because I was lazy, but now I am not lazy and when reached my usual 3.1 miles I said, ‘Screw this! I’m running 4!” And when I got to 4 I said ‘Screw this! I’m running 5!’ But then I got scared (of a heart attack?) and stopped. Next time I’ll get ‘em. I’d like to thank the Beatles, for being such great running partners, the guy next to me for running slower than me and giving me a boost of confidence, and the very spicy pad thai in my stomach - although I was sure I would puke you up for the first 3.1 miles, I think you gave me a magical running power for that last mile. I look forward to running more than 4 miles very soon.

Keyport has it’s own “Little Mexico”. I’ve always liked this about Keyport, because I love Mexico and I love Mexicans, I even love their Tacos, No Problem:

Sometimes, Mark calls it “Don’t Look, Burrito” because he forgets it’s really “Tacos, No Problem”.

I was driving to Sears to have my car fixed the other day when I saw a guy walking with a bike tire. I knew he stole because it had a wrench attached to the center. No one gives a damn in Keyport. I gave him a very disappointed look. Maybe he bought the tire, and then a wrench to go with it?

I had to get a bunch of things fixed on my car. Things I knew about: no brake lights, windshield wipers broken & oil change. Things I didn’t know about: They talked me into getting my tires aligned (?) and a tire rotation. Fine, take all my money! I also paid $52 for gas today. $52!! I drive a medium sized Saturn! What are SUV drivers paying now? And is it worth it?

So besides those three things, I need to get a new bumper through the insurance of the person who hit me last November and finally have it inspected (I can’t even tell you when that car was due for inspection).

This weather has been poo poo, but I have nice windshield wipers now! This weather has made me take a nap midday, every day this week. Dang.

Yesterday I woke up and decided I would do something about the sinus problems I was having the past few days.  So I drove to the CVS on Valley Road for some meds.  Once there, I remembered I usually have to wait a half an hour on the check out line.  Stupid CVS on Valley Road, what the hell is wrong with you?  There are only 3 people in front of me!  Why does it take so long!?  Okay, so maybe it only took five minutes this time, but I swear…

I came home and took two Benadryl on a slightly empty stomach, which I know isn’t good, so I also ate an apricot bar from the Bread Company (delicious).  I guess I didn’t think hard enough about what kind of sinus medicine I was buying.  Maybe because I was distracted by the really unprofessional passport ID photo session going on with two four year olds (adorable) around the corner from the medicine aisle.  I say unprofessional because some lady, who had no idea what she was doing, used a point and shoot to take their photos (and had to do it over twice).  If I remember correctly, getting my passport photo taken was a big to-do at a passport photo id store with a big fancy set up.  Anyway, I didn’t know what kind of medicine to get, so I bought the first medicine I saw reading “Sinus & Allergy”.  I might have purchased something different had my mother answered my calls beforehand, instead she called me as I was driving home from the store.

Back home, I took two Benadryl and tried to get some work finished.  The medicine wasn’t working after a half hour, so I just took another one, why not?  Why not!?  Because then I became loopy and tired.  All I wanted to do yesterday was wake up, eat some food, take some medicine, feel better, go for a run and get some work finished.  Instead I went back to bed at 4 in the afternoon.  Then I woke up at 6pm with a headache and a stomach ache.  I proceeded to throw up five times last night.  Once an hour, at a quarter to, I would get up and have the most violent puking I ever experienced.  At one point I didn’t drink or eat anything in between two vomit sessions, I’m pretty sure my body pulled up stuff from my intestines to barf out.  There wasn’t a moment during those five hours where I could sit back and say “I’m glad that came out”.  You know how it is, you feel sick, you puke, you feel better.  That didn’t happen for me yesterday.

There isn’t much of a happy ending here.  I ended up going to sleep around 11pm and tossed and turned the whole night until 5am, when I woke up with cramps galore.  It’s 7am now, I’ve got a sore throat and it’s so early Baristanet doesn’t even have a post up yet.  Today is a new day though, and we’re supposed to head into the city to buy some non-leather shoes - because what kind of vegetarian buys leather shoes? (The asshole kind, that’s who.)

I bought a new table for eating outdoors. A few years ago I thought it would be great to tile a table of my very own with tile washed up on the stanky sands of Keyport, NJ. Well, I really did no research, and most of the time when I build something I do not research it looks like crap. I have the skills, I just don’t have the time to learn how to use those skills, I guess. I just get excited, okay?! So I bought the tiling cement and went to work on that little table. It looks pretty nice, actually, but the tiles were all different thicknesses, which means the table surface is lumpy. Also, it’s not big enough for one person to eat a meal, so it was never big enough for the both of us (extra porch chairs were turned into side tables). So I bought a yellow table.

I really brought the camera out to fulfill Fran’s call for submissions.

Those forsythia plants have been growing back there for years without anyone trimming them. It looks pretty awesome actually. Wild forsythia, could they be? That shed you see there, it’s a huge hunk of garbage. The door to the far left opens, but there is just a bunch of junk in there. The middle door is nailed shut, the one next to it keeps falling down (which is why it’s leaning right now) and the one next to that is also nailed shut. If that shed wasn’t there we’d have a nice big backyard, otherwise it cuts the yard in half and you have to walk around it to get to the other side. What a pain in the ass. They should really knock that thing down.

Damn, I love this dog.

I saw a commercial for ‘Once-a-Day Valtrex’. You take it to help reduce the risk of spreading your skanky herpes to non-skanks. During the commercial some very small text appeared at the bottom of the screen reading “Only proven in heterosexual couples”. So does that mean that Valtrex is homophobic? Or should they really have said “Does not work when you stick it up the butt”? Because I hear straight couples do that too, ya know.

The other day while running at the Y I had some really painful cramps. I couldn’t figure out what these cramps were about, I wasn’t due for my ‘friend’ to visit for another week and I didn’t drink that much water beforehand. As soon as I stepped off I realized, I have to fart. So I went to the Holm room, a room that is sometimes used for exercise classes but mostly used by me to let out my farts. I was stretching, waiting to let one loose, when two guys came in to do some sit ups. One guy kept complaining, “Oooh, I ate too much…. I don’t feel so good…. uuugh I overstuffed myself…. oh no, sorry girl (that’s me), I’m going to fart.” If only they knew…

I was considering veganism a few months ago. I know you think that’s crazy, kind reader, but a book I read made a good argument for why we shouldn’t drink milk. They didn’t make much of an argument for not eating eggs, but that is an argument that goes on in my own head, “Katie, I know you love eggs benedict a lot, but you do know that juicy yolk you love to dip the toast into is chicken period, right?” Sorry brain, but eggs benedict (no meat) has been my favorite food for the past eight years, and in this case, my taste buds are more important than the realization of what eggs really are. By the way, if you’re going to tell me eggs are dead baby chicks, you’re wrong, it’s chicken period, so shut up. Anyway, I wasn’t eating eggs or milk products for a while and things were going fine, until I was invited to a cheese party at my cousin Amanda’s apartment. She originally had a cheese party the week before, but didn’t invite me or anyone else who actually cares about her, she invited a bunch of people from her job. Well, those people were a bunch of pussies who were afraid of the stinky cheese, no one ate it. So Amanda invited Kaity Creasy and I over to eat the leftover cheese. It was good, almost too good. I didn’t poop for days. Last weekend Mark and I had our own cheese party. We bought a few cheeses to try. If you didn’t know, goat cheese is my favorite cheese ever (and should be yours as well). The goat cheese we ate was called Purple Haze, so, you know… On the side we had dried apricots and I spent $20 on some fig jam and white truffle honey. I LOVE CHEESE! Screw you, vegans, like Jenn Schiffer, kiss my cheesy farts. Oh yeah, poor Mark had to endure some bad air after our little cheese party. I slept with matches at my bedside.

Click below for some more CHEESE
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